today

By nforand on Wed, 02-22-12, 12:28

Posted in Group:

Depression

Today I decided that there really is no point. My children are all I have and I can't even be there for them. As I fight this battle I realize I am slowly losing and slipping down a desperate hill. Tomorrow I may get up and feel different, but this feeling has been on my heart a long time. I desire nothing more right now than the strength to lie down and give up. Giving in and letting the battle rage without me rather than within me would bring me such peace. I fail at everything I put my hand to my heart breaks more every day. I wish I had an answer to just one of my questions. Wish the questions would quit mounting. I need a day where my brain and my heart aren't pushing me toward the brink of sanity. I am so broken and beaten that I don't see what I can offer this world. I have been through this for years and years and it only gets worse with each passing day. My heart hurts physically, my emotions are shit I don't know which way to turn or even which way is up most days. I wake up and go through the motions and never feel any differently. This pall upon me the cloud without silver lining a darkness to which there is no light. I'm so sick of pretending that I'm OK wearing a smile when inside I am dying. I hate having to be strong so others won't "worry". I feel they pity me more than have real concern over my safety and sanity. I seek solitude and silence but the voices and hallucinations drive me to be around people where I can pretend they aren't there. I just don't feel there is any hope left for me.

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By marcie on Wed, 02-22-12, 21:33

You are never alone. Sometimes we do not feel well, exhausted, tired and just indifferent, instead of worrying, say a prayer, rest and be yourself. There is a Chinese exercise called Tai Chi, it is very slow, but it is good for your mind and body. Also, we need to balance our lives, spiritual and physical, when your spiritual is low, the physical part pays the price. Please, do not give up. It will take time, you will improve and feel stronger. When you have time, please watch Joel Osteen on TV every Sunday, he also has written very good books. It helped me a lot. Wishing you all the strength, health and happiness. Have faith and God bless you always.

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