Illness

I have no friends. My best friend wont make time for me which hurts really bad. But I try not to care about it anymore bc it's been almost a yr. If she only knew how much I needed her she would make time for me. I know she's in school and working a lot but it makes me feel like I'm not important to her when she continually does not call or even txt or try to hang out w me. I've been having strong urges to self injure today. I called my girlfriend but she must be asleep. We had a small disagreement last night and I feel bad about it. I know she would get extremely upset if I self injured bc the last time I did she had a panic attack and I don't want to do that to her. She is coming to visit in about 3 weeks and I'm excited about that. Really exciteid bc it will be the first time we will meet. I guess I just needed to get my thoughts/feelings out to someone who will understand. But I feel like nothing will relieve this pain other than the one thing I shouldn't do and I know is not healthy. I feel like if the people in my life would just be ok w me doing it I could be happy. Now I know that probably not true but it's just not that big of a deal to me. If I want to cope that way why should anyone stop me. You might say, you could hurt yourself more than you intended. To which I would say, why is that a bad thing? If I died tomorrow I would be ok with it. I'm not saying I have a plan to kill myself, I'm saying if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness I would feel relieved. I suposed i'm severely depressed bc a healthy person doesn't feel that way. I haven't told anyone really that I want to become sick and I feel bad bc there are ppl who are sick who don't want to be and here I am asking for God to make me sick but if I could trade places with them I would...