Breaking up is not the end....Can it be the beginning?

By Denee Jordan on Fri, 02-03-12, 12:19

Posted in Group:

Hello again. I'm Denee, a therapist on this sight. Broken or difficult relationships can feel like torture. It has really helped me professionally and personally to understand why it hurts so bad to get divorced or to break up with someone we love(d). First of all, humans are 'pack animals'. We seek out other humans for direction, validation, and companionship because we are not 'built' to survive as lone creatures (being single is not necessarily being 'alone'). We derive much of our sense of ourselves from our relationships and our environment. In fact our brain actually becomes wired (and dependent) on key relationships and environmental factors as a matter of survival. This is the reason that we often re-create adult relationships similar to those we had as children. "What fires together, wires together". For example, if you were simultaneously abused and loved by the same parent, you might subconsciously associate abuse and love and actually seek this out in a relationship. Understanding that relationships are connected to survival in our brains helps to clarify why breaking up can feel like 'dying'. When we break up, we are neurologically responding to something we sub-consciously perceive as life-threatening. All of our survival instincts are triggered and we feel about as bad as we possibly can. There is good news! Your survival is not in danger and you can take charge of your recovery. Here are some suggestions:

1.) Accept that you feel terrible. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Fighting it makes it worse.

2.) Know that every minute that passes, your brain is 're-wiring', however painfully, to adapt to your new situation. You are 'healing' every second.

3.) Though it can be very difficult, normalize your life as much as possible. Resume your schedule, make plans with friends even though you feel awful.

4.) Ask for support. Therapy, support groups, a spiritual group or a trusted friend. Get on a 'path' to recovery that involves other people

5.) Remember that life is for learning and loving. However challenging, we will always be given an opportunity to do both.

At a certain point in time it will be important to explore the relationship, your choices, and the outcome. The relationship might as well be valuable to you as a vehicle for growth and change!!

Login or register to post comments
0 Support

By CK on Fri, 02-03-12, 13:50

Great advice and I love the part how each relationship is an oppurtunity to learn and grow from!

-CK

Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast-Alice in Wonderland

Support Points: 37295

Badges

Offline

By April on Sat, 02-04-12, 14:28

Thank you so much.

Choose wisely, treat kindly

Support Points: 43095

Badges

Offline

By its5oclocksomewhere on Sat, 02-04-12, 21:08

I'm glad you said it is okay to feel awful. I've only been seperated a couple weeks. During the day I get busy with my kids and I can ward off any tears. At night when my kids go to bed..and I go to my bed..alone...I can't shut off my tears. People ( who I'm sure just care for me and have the best intentions) tell me to " just move on" " you deserve better..he isn't worth your tears" ...he may not be worth my tears...but I still hurt very deeply..I wish I could flip a switch and make it not hurt..but it feels like it is never going to stop hurting.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Support Points: 630

Badges

Offline

By its5oclocksomewhere on Sat, 02-04-12, 21:08

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Support Points: 630

Badges

Offline

By its5oclocksomewhere on Sat, 02-04-12, 21:08

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Support Points: 630

Badges

Offline

By its5oclocksomewhere on Sat, 02-04-12, 21:08

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Support Points: 630

Badges

Offline

By elegantlinda on Sun, 02-05-12, 11:08

For me, I had to reprogram the way I do almost everything. In the beginning I had to lie across the bed in a way I never had when I had my stbx with me in bed. Then I rearranged the pillows and even bought a new pillow.

I changed as much of my routine as I could, changed my hairstyle, my hair color, bought new clothes and started doing things he would never do for me like wash my car (though he washes his car every day - yes, I said every day, for him it's all about the image).

I even bought new eyeshadow, tried new foods and new places to eat. It may sound weird but I felt I had to reprogram myself from being a couple to being a single.

All this stuff helped me to find me. I still have sad moments but they happen less often and are less severe in nature.

Support Points: 9305

Badges

Offline

By JulzB on Tue, 02-07-12, 10:58

Thank you for this post. I've been married 22 years & am 42 years old. So I have spent my whole adult life with this man. The infidelity started 7 years ago. And though we have tried to get past it, the affair bore a deep wound into our marriage that never went away. We sought counseling and all of that, but counselors liked to focus on what I did to cause him to cheat. I was hard on myself for not being able to let it go. Turns out, however, that he continued to be unfaithful in many different ways and never even changed his behavior. He simply got better at covering his tracks. The unfortunate part is that his behavior made me a great detective. That's how I found out about the latest girlfriend. And believe me, this affair hurts just as bad as the first one. I have decided to file for divorce, endure the hurt and just be patient with myself this time. Fear of the unknown and of losing myself has paralyzed me in the past, but not anymore. I'm going to face the fear and step forward anyways.......

Support Points: 10

Badges

Offline

By its5oclocksomewhere on Tue, 02-07-12, 16:26

Good for you Julzb!! I wish I had that strength right now. My husband isn't cheating ...but there are other issues....like he isn't being kind to my children...and he has anger issues. He snaps at anything. We are seperated and I'm finding it really hard to accept that I just need to file for divorce. This has been an ongoing problem. Everytime we have a blow out...and things get better for a short time...It eventually goes back to the same pattern. I'd like to think...this is the last time..things are going to get better...but I doubt...I probably need to let it go..and quit torturing myself.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!

Support Points: 630

Badges

Offline

By LostTXRose on Tue, 02-07-12, 21:59

Jutzb, I really needed to read your post tonight. I think fear, as well as hope, has kept me from filing. I realized today that there is no hope for him changing, and now I see that I can't be held back by fear. I need to file and take back control of my life.

Support Points: 160

Badges

Offline

Depression Information

Click on the following links to learn more about Depression.

Amitriptyline

The information provided on SupportGroups.com is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient/site visitor and his/her health professional. This information and interaction provided on this site is solely for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute the practice of medicine. Information on this site does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Neither the owners or employees of SupportGroups.com nor the author(s) of site content take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, application of medication or any other action which results from reading this site. Always speak with your primary health care provider before engaging in any form of self treatment. Please see our Legal Statement for further information.